New F1 Halo System Created In Last-Ditch Effort To Turn Bad-Boy Kevin Magnussen Into Perfect Little Angel

The FIA has a problem, and his name is Kevin Magnussen.

AKA Kevin “Suck My Balls” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “Fuck Your Mother” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “Lil’ Flavio” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “Make Money” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “Master Class” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin McAllister Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “DRS Dat Ass” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “Box Box Box” Magnussen.
AKA Kevin “Magnum Dong” Magnussen.

He’s the resident bad-boy of Formula 1, and that’s a problem. Ever since Magnussen joined the grid he’s left female viewers running scared and male audiences feeling emasculated.  But all that is about to change with the new “Halo” system.

The controversial new hoop that extends over the cockpit for 2018 was designed to put fans at ease by making Kevin Magnussen appear to be a perfect little angle.  “The halo offers no additional safety advantages to drivers — In fact, it now takes significantly longer for drivers to escape the vehicle in the event of an accident — but research has shown that the painted cardboard structure makes hell-spawn Kevin Magnussen much more palatable to at-home viewers.  We believe the trade-off is worth it,” said one FIA engineer.

“I haven’t watched since the first race of 2014,” said one focus group participant.  “Kevin climbed onto that podium in Australia and I felt so emasculated.  He took something from me.  Through the TV he took something from inside of me.  I never turned on F1 again for fear of my wife seeing him during one of his many podium appearances that were sure to follow.”

“I want to fix him,” said one woman who asked to remain anonymous.

But despite the millions of dollars invested, there are no guarantees the system will work.  “As soon he found out what the FIA were trying to do he insisted on being able to wear a black leather jacket covered in zippers while driving.  We had to make a new seat to accommodate it,” said a Haas F1 team member.

The FIA engineer issued a final warning: “You must remember that the halo system won’t actually change what is inside Magnussen… if there is anything inside of him…  It only disguises his true form.  Be alert and vigilant.”

image:Image Source